When should parents allow their child to join Facebook?

Almost daily, I have parents contact me with the question of when should they allow their children to join social networking sites. Yesterday I received an email with the following question:

" Hi Dr. Hilary, my 12 year old daughter has been bothering me every day to join Facebook. She has promised that she will only be 'friends' with people I already know. I am on Facebook so I am doubtful that she could get into too much trouble, am I in denial? Her older sister, who is 15 has explained to me that all of her friends have younger siblings that have joined Facebook, and I should just allow her sister to join. What should I do?"

I have a few concerns with this email. First, I think we are always showing our children the type of individuals we are and what we consider to be important by our actions and not just by what we say. While we may our children to 'like us', or to think that we are 'cool' it is far more important that we model the type of people we hope they will be when they grow up.

I like to remind myself daily, that I am raising future adults, not raising permanent children. So I better act like the type of adult I hope my children will aspire to be.

As for the question of whether this mother should lie about her daughters age to sign her up for Facebook. Absolutely not. We cannot expect to have concerns about adults lying to say they are younger than are when we allow our children with our permission to say they are older than they really are. Facebook need us and demands us to be honest and not falsely claim any information to get an account.

Additionally, there are a lot of decisions that need to be discussed before any child becomes a member of a social networking site. Please see 12/09 post for discussion questions on boundaries for social networking membership. This parent did not mention when her daughter will turn 13, but it seems that they could spend some time planning for when she turns 13 and be prepared for the both of them to be responsible when she actually becomes a member.

Lastly, just because the social networking sites provide a minimum age for membership does not mean that every child is ready for the responsiblity of joining a social networking site. Physical age does not mean a child has reached the emotional or social age that will allow them to fully understand or be prepared for exposure of a social networking site. Please see 9/09 post for discussion on social networking concerns.

I am a big fan of social networking sites, they offer some wonderful opportunities for communication skills, identity formation, and are particularly helpful for teens with learning differences. You can hear more on this during one of my speaking engagements. As parents, we just need to know, when, how much, where and who -when it comes to social networking sites and our kids!

FYI Disney launched DisneyXD, social networking site for kids under 14, will discuss next post.....stay tuned in....