Really?
Do you know what a MUVE is?
A MUVE is type of software, almost like a game created to inspire children, tweens, and teens to learn about science, history, and other subjects.
However, unlike video games and social networking sites, which often elicit negative associations for adults, teachers, and parents, MUVES are somewhat structured environments with rules for behavior. MUVE works to help kids to figure out the issues and goals they need to succeed in the environment they are in or have time to socialize.
Thankfully, learning-based virtual worlds are growing more popular in schools and among youth, due to efforts by major universities and private companies. Stefanie Olsen in CNET News.com discusses many different programs such as privately held companies like Pasadena, Calif, Numedeon, makers of Whyville. Harvard University's "River City" is a MUVE that involves a society in the late 1800's that's in a political and environmental disrepair-kids must figure out why residents are falling ill. According to Stefanie Olsen, Harvard's School of Education is in talks with several urban school districts to introduce the software to tens of thousands of school children this fall.
I recall a panel discussion in 2007 at The University of Southern California (USC) that was held to discuss the effects of virtual wolds on children. Doug Thomas, Associate professor at USC's Annenberg School of Communication, said during this panel that during this virtual environment, kids are learning how to be members of a citizenship and are picking up skills they will need in the future workforce.
Additionally, he spoke to the fact that the virtual worlds are really helpful in the world of education when needing help teaching things that are hard to teach in a traditional way or classroom. Issues such as ethics and values, games that allow kids to play out scenarios and allow the kids to play out situations from different angles, and letting them see the various effects has amazing effects.
One of the most interesting comments that Doug Thomas made in 2007, that stuck with me all of these years, was when he was quoted saying, " If you're a parent, I would be much less concerned about things like online predators or violence then I would be about the conflation between consumption and consumerism and citizenship (in virtual worlds)." Doug Thomas, Annenberg School of Communication http//news.cnet.com/what-kids-learn-in-virtual-worlds/2009
Hopefully, we will pack our bags and join our children in this virtual world that our children journey through.....
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
In every generation.....Findings of the most extensive U.S. study of youth media use
Almost weekly for so many years, I have had friends, parents of clients, family members, colleagues, and neighbors ask me various questions about their own social networking pages. It seems that as much as we have concerns about our children being online, we have to admit that we are playing "catch-up" to our kids. They are so savvy about how to use computers and navigate online compared to many of us adults. So many of us had no clue as to how we were supposed to set up our accounts or join certain sites or what was cool or not cool when we were first starting out.
Our kids cannot remember a time that social networking, texting, video gaming, Ipods, and all these media gadgets did not exist...we can.
We remember having to write our friends real letters, with real stamps!
We remember having to use the telephone that was attached to the wall! Privacy sometimes meant having to sit in a closet or beg everyone to leave a public room, like the kitchen, while we were on the phone.
We remember having to carry change to use a pay phone to call home when we needed to be picked up.
We remember our first typing classes, our first papers that we had to type (with correction tape). The excitement when we could buy and use White-Out.
But just like our generation could not remember a time without telephones and televisions, many of our parent's generations could recall a time when they were growing up that they didn't have telephones or televisions. Don't you recall when some of your parents would complain that they would have to go visit their friends and that we were spoiled children, ruining our lives by talking to our friends on the telephone!
We remember our first computers, and our first email accounts. We remember when it was common not to have email accounts. When cell phones were huge...I mean HUGE, not able to be carried around in a purse, or pocket.
Not this generation. They do not remember a time without Myspace, Facebook, Ipods, Iphones, Blogs, Video Games and some of the fastest thumbs for quickest texting imagineable. This is a generation that communicates in a different digital way than we did. It is time that our generation accepts that like our parents generation, new communication is not bad, it is just different. Different can actually be very good. The telephone did not alienate families and friends like our parents first thought; it actually brought them closer. It is time for us to pay attention to the research.
For over three years, UCI researcher Mizuko Ito and her team interviewed over 800 youth and young adults and conducted over 5,000 hours of online observations as part of the most extensive U.S. study of youth media use sponsored by the MacArthur Foundation (2008). I will write more about this incredible undertaking and study at a later time, however, there are a few major findings I would like to share with you today.
1.Youth use online media to extend friendships and interests:
The study found that teens use their online time to extend their face-to-face friendships from school, religious groups, sports, and other local activities. A majority of youth use this new media to "hang out" and extend existing friendships.
2. Youth are acquiring various forms of technical and media literacy:
Through trial and error, youth are adding new media skills to their skill-set each time they are online. They gain these skills from trial and error, feedback from their peers, creations they share, from the immediacy and vastness of the information, and the digital world which creates a perfect setting for self-directed learning.
3. Online media allows for a degree of freedom and autonomy for youth that is less apparent in a classroom setting:
It seems as if youth are able to respect learning from their peers more than from learning from adults. So by having their efforts being mainly self-directed online, the outcome of their learning emerges through self-exploration and trial and error. This is opposite from the classroom which has a predefined set of goals and curriculum which is provided for the student.
Overall, many of us might have been thinking years ago, "I am not sure that I want to have all of this 'technology' in my house, or to ruin my children's childhood." Studies are showing us that at the very least, social networking is encouraging technical thinking and literacy, and that it is going to be a critical skill for all of our children to have in this digital generation.
(For more information about the Study see The Digital Youth Project)
Our kids cannot remember a time that social networking, texting, video gaming, Ipods, and all these media gadgets did not exist...we can.
We remember having to write our friends real letters, with real stamps!
We remember having to use the telephone that was attached to the wall! Privacy sometimes meant having to sit in a closet or beg everyone to leave a public room, like the kitchen, while we were on the phone.
We remember having to carry change to use a pay phone to call home when we needed to be picked up.
We remember our first typing classes, our first papers that we had to type (with correction tape). The excitement when we could buy and use White-Out.
But just like our generation could not remember a time without telephones and televisions, many of our parent's generations could recall a time when they were growing up that they didn't have telephones or televisions. Don't you recall when some of your parents would complain that they would have to go visit their friends and that we were spoiled children, ruining our lives by talking to our friends on the telephone!
We remember our first computers, and our first email accounts. We remember when it was common not to have email accounts. When cell phones were huge...I mean HUGE, not able to be carried around in a purse, or pocket.
Not this generation. They do not remember a time without Myspace, Facebook, Ipods, Iphones, Blogs, Video Games and some of the fastest thumbs for quickest texting imagineable. This is a generation that communicates in a different digital way than we did. It is time that our generation accepts that like our parents generation, new communication is not bad, it is just different. Different can actually be very good. The telephone did not alienate families and friends like our parents first thought; it actually brought them closer. It is time for us to pay attention to the research.
For over three years, UCI researcher Mizuko Ito and her team interviewed over 800 youth and young adults and conducted over 5,000 hours of online observations as part of the most extensive U.S. study of youth media use sponsored by the MacArthur Foundation (2008). I will write more about this incredible undertaking and study at a later time, however, there are a few major findings I would like to share with you today.
1.Youth use online media to extend friendships and interests:
The study found that teens use their online time to extend their face-to-face friendships from school, religious groups, sports, and other local activities. A majority of youth use this new media to "hang out" and extend existing friendships.
2. Youth are acquiring various forms of technical and media literacy:
Through trial and error, youth are adding new media skills to their skill-set each time they are online. They gain these skills from trial and error, feedback from their peers, creations they share, from the immediacy and vastness of the information, and the digital world which creates a perfect setting for self-directed learning.
3. Online media allows for a degree of freedom and autonomy for youth that is less apparent in a classroom setting:
It seems as if youth are able to respect learning from their peers more than from learning from adults. So by having their efforts being mainly self-directed online, the outcome of their learning emerges through self-exploration and trial and error. This is opposite from the classroom which has a predefined set of goals and curriculum which is provided for the student.
Overall, many of us might have been thinking years ago, "I am not sure that I want to have all of this 'technology' in my house, or to ruin my children's childhood." Studies are showing us that at the very least, social networking is encouraging technical thinking and literacy, and that it is going to be a critical skill for all of our children to have in this digital generation.
(For more information about the Study see The Digital Youth Project)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Online Social Networking For Teens with Special Needs
I worked with a wonderful 9th grade boy and his parents. I had worked with this client since he was in sixth grade; he was delightful and bright. He had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when he was in third grade.
Asperger's syndrome or disorder is a type of pervasive development disorder (PDD) that involve delays in the development of many basic skills, most notably the ability to socialize with others, to communicate without difficulty, and for some to use imagination.
Due to my client's problems with social skills, I was always searching for creative ways to help him interact with others without creating awkward and embarrassing situations for him. There were a few interesting behaviors that he exhibited that were common for children and teens that have Asperger's syndrome, but made it interesting for him when he tried to develop social skills with his peers. For example, my client had some odd, repetitive movements (he twisted his fingers or flicked his fingers in the air) especially when he was nervous. So when he would try to enter into a conversation with his peers he would twist his fingers in such an intense way that it would distract others from the conversation.
However, my client really wanted to make friends. So did his parents. His father spoke to me weekly about how badly he felt that his son did not have just one friend to invite to come over and hang out. His dad even bought tickets to baseball games hoping that it would entice one of the boys in his son's class to hang out with him. Both of his parents felt it would help their son learn about social cues and communication if their son could just have one friend to learn from. They also just wanted for their son what all parents want for their children: to have a nice time, to enjoy companionship, to learn to trust and care for others outside of his parents, teachers, adults and family.
When I would observe my client at school during lunch, my client would tend to read by himself with his Ipod on. He did not connect with others easily. When someone would approach him, he had a very hard time making eye contact (very common among children that have Asperger's syndrome) he would struggle with what to say and would misread social cues constantly.
Almost at a loss as to how I was going to help my client who had Asperger's syndrome since he was a young boy, a young man that wanted just one friend to connect with to care for. Such a great person that mainly just struggled with face-to-face social interaction and social skills. The answer was actually right in front of me the entire time...online social networking.
The most interesting part of how I figured this out was that it came from my client. One day, during a session with my client, he asked me if he could show me something on my computer. We often used the computer in sessions to help him witness and then practice conversations and other social situations.
Within a few moments, we were laughing at a video on Youtube. I asked him a few questions about his comfort on the computer and I started to think of this concept. After some research and discussing the idea with some colleagues, I contacted his parents and asked them to sign him up on a social networking site for kids his age.
Within one month, my client had begun to develop some real social skills. He had been able to take some of his obsessive traits and used them online to meet other peers his age who loved the same things he did (in his case funny Youtube videos, chess, silent movies, and history). His finger twisting did not factor into his online communication. His lack of eye contact did not pose an issue when he was online.
He could take his time typing out messages to peers from school which gave him the confidence when he was at school to speak more to them. The nicest part, was that he was able to connect on Myspace with two boys from his own school on a game site. They began having lunch together a few times a week, then daily.
Everyone in his life continued to do their part; his parents continued to monitor his behavior online. I worked with him online to make sure that he had appropriate behavior and continued social skills homework (like introducing himself to new people from his school online then face-to-face, eye contact strategies in face-to-face communication, reducing finger twitching, etc.)
My client is in college now, and continues to participate in a host of social networking sites. He has developed some wonderful social skills in some areas, and does continue to struggle in other ways. However, he is an example of how online social networking sites, if monitored and used effectively, can help our children grow and develop in healthy ways.
Asperger's syndrome or disorder is a type of pervasive development disorder (PDD) that involve delays in the development of many basic skills, most notably the ability to socialize with others, to communicate without difficulty, and for some to use imagination.
Due to my client's problems with social skills, I was always searching for creative ways to help him interact with others without creating awkward and embarrassing situations for him. There were a few interesting behaviors that he exhibited that were common for children and teens that have Asperger's syndrome, but made it interesting for him when he tried to develop social skills with his peers. For example, my client had some odd, repetitive movements (he twisted his fingers or flicked his fingers in the air) especially when he was nervous. So when he would try to enter into a conversation with his peers he would twist his fingers in such an intense way that it would distract others from the conversation.
However, my client really wanted to make friends. So did his parents. His father spoke to me weekly about how badly he felt that his son did not have just one friend to invite to come over and hang out. His dad even bought tickets to baseball games hoping that it would entice one of the boys in his son's class to hang out with him. Both of his parents felt it would help their son learn about social cues and communication if their son could just have one friend to learn from. They also just wanted for their son what all parents want for their children: to have a nice time, to enjoy companionship, to learn to trust and care for others outside of his parents, teachers, adults and family.
When I would observe my client at school during lunch, my client would tend to read by himself with his Ipod on. He did not connect with others easily. When someone would approach him, he had a very hard time making eye contact (very common among children that have Asperger's syndrome) he would struggle with what to say and would misread social cues constantly.
Almost at a loss as to how I was going to help my client who had Asperger's syndrome since he was a young boy, a young man that wanted just one friend to connect with to care for. Such a great person that mainly just struggled with face-to-face social interaction and social skills. The answer was actually right in front of me the entire time...online social networking.
The most interesting part of how I figured this out was that it came from my client. One day, during a session with my client, he asked me if he could show me something on my computer. We often used the computer in sessions to help him witness and then practice conversations and other social situations.
Within a few moments, we were laughing at a video on Youtube. I asked him a few questions about his comfort on the computer and I started to think of this concept. After some research and discussing the idea with some colleagues, I contacted his parents and asked them to sign him up on a social networking site for kids his age.
Within one month, my client had begun to develop some real social skills. He had been able to take some of his obsessive traits and used them online to meet other peers his age who loved the same things he did (in his case funny Youtube videos, chess, silent movies, and history). His finger twisting did not factor into his online communication. His lack of eye contact did not pose an issue when he was online.
He could take his time typing out messages to peers from school which gave him the confidence when he was at school to speak more to them. The nicest part, was that he was able to connect on Myspace with two boys from his own school on a game site. They began having lunch together a few times a week, then daily.
Everyone in his life continued to do their part; his parents continued to monitor his behavior online. I worked with him online to make sure that he had appropriate behavior and continued social skills homework (like introducing himself to new people from his school online then face-to-face, eye contact strategies in face-to-face communication, reducing finger twitching, etc.)
My client is in college now, and continues to participate in a host of social networking sites. He has developed some wonderful social skills in some areas, and does continue to struggle in other ways. However, he is an example of how online social networking sites, if monitored and used effectively, can help our children grow and develop in healthy ways.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Some of the Benefits of Social Networking
According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project (2010), 93% of 12-17 year-olds are online and more than half of them use social networking sites.
If more than 50% of all 12-17 year-old kids are using social networking to communicate with others, it is important that we begin to understand some of the benefits that our tweens and teens gain from social networking.
1. Practicing Social Skills:
Socializing online is not as fast paced as being on a phone or face-to-face communication, so kids have more time to respond. It allows for kids to type and erase responses, which is helpful if a kid is unsure of what to say. Lastly, it allows for kids to practice different greetings, responses, and reactions which is very helpful when learning communication and social skills.
2. Creating Private Social Hangouts:
Remember when it was safe to drop your child off at a mall, a movie, or a park? Let's face it, so many hang outs are so closely monitored by adults that children (especially teenagers) feel that they cannot gather without feeling that they are being watched. Being online allows kids to feel as if they have a cool alone space to hang out with their friends. As adults we need to be careful not to minimize the importance of our kids need to be alone with their peers, and being online is the closest thing that many kids feel resembles privacy.
3. Identity Formation:
A part of growing up is feeling as if you sometimes want to be different from what you normally present to other people. Ever see a child, tween, or teen change the way they wear their hair or clothes radically from day to week? This may be an attempt of theirs to change on the outside how others see them. Online, kids sometimes feel, they can create an identity shift that is different from what he/she is normally perceived as at school or at home. Of course, this is what many people feel can be dangerous for our children. Examples of girls pretending to be older than they are may solicitor the attention of an older boy are often given to warn parents to stop or seriously monitor all social networking behavior. However, I am talking about a different type of identity formation. For example, I had a client who was very shy at school. He was on a popular social networking site, and found that he was able to become a hero of sorts for a group of individuals that were interested in the collection of rare coins. He had this hobby but at school no one was very interested in this subject until he found the confidence online to 'reinvent' his identity. By the time he was graduating from highs school he was able to start a coin collection club at school.
I always recommend that all families should first consider setting up safety measures to protect the families computer, consider signing a contract to communicate the expectations of the family being online, and parents should agree to find appropriate ways to monitor their child's online behavior so that the benefits of social networking can take affect in our homes.
If more than 50% of all 12-17 year-old kids are using social networking to communicate with others, it is important that we begin to understand some of the benefits that our tweens and teens gain from social networking.
1. Practicing Social Skills:
Socializing online is not as fast paced as being on a phone or face-to-face communication, so kids have more time to respond. It allows for kids to type and erase responses, which is helpful if a kid is unsure of what to say. Lastly, it allows for kids to practice different greetings, responses, and reactions which is very helpful when learning communication and social skills.
2. Creating Private Social Hangouts:
Remember when it was safe to drop your child off at a mall, a movie, or a park? Let's face it, so many hang outs are so closely monitored by adults that children (especially teenagers) feel that they cannot gather without feeling that they are being watched. Being online allows kids to feel as if they have a cool alone space to hang out with their friends. As adults we need to be careful not to minimize the importance of our kids need to be alone with their peers, and being online is the closest thing that many kids feel resembles privacy.
3. Identity Formation:
A part of growing up is feeling as if you sometimes want to be different from what you normally present to other people. Ever see a child, tween, or teen change the way they wear their hair or clothes radically from day to week? This may be an attempt of theirs to change on the outside how others see them. Online, kids sometimes feel, they can create an identity shift that is different from what he/she is normally perceived as at school or at home. Of course, this is what many people feel can be dangerous for our children. Examples of girls pretending to be older than they are may solicitor the attention of an older boy are often given to warn parents to stop or seriously monitor all social networking behavior. However, I am talking about a different type of identity formation. For example, I had a client who was very shy at school. He was on a popular social networking site, and found that he was able to become a hero of sorts for a group of individuals that were interested in the collection of rare coins. He had this hobby but at school no one was very interested in this subject until he found the confidence online to 'reinvent' his identity. By the time he was graduating from highs school he was able to start a coin collection club at school.
I always recommend that all families should first consider setting up safety measures to protect the families computer, consider signing a contract to communicate the expectations of the family being online, and parents should agree to find appropriate ways to monitor their child's online behavior so that the benefits of social networking can take affect in our homes.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Teenagers Who Were Blogging Showed Little Risky Behavior
As parents, every day we are being told that our children are in danger online, not only from strangers, but from their own behaviors!
There is some interesting data in a new study found in the Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal, Volume 27, April 2010 from Ohio State that was conducted by Dawn Anderson Butcher, Associate Professor of Social Work. Even though this study had a smaller sample of teens,they were all blogging on Zanga (a popular site before Facebook which is like micro blogging) used their blogs to nurture relationships with peers and not participate in risky behavior (like posting sexy pictures).
The teenagers in the study used their blogs to build a sense of community. Most of the blogs were creative, used poetry, lyrics and had a real sense of imagination to them. The authors of this study were amazed to see that these teenagers talked about homework, spending time with family, and even participating in school activities.
What becomes so interesting about this study is the implication that our teenagers are using the Internet to talk to their friends when they are home from school, and the authors of this study noted that 65% of the teens in this study talked about being bored, which is still better than acting out in risky behavior.
If so many teenagers are using the Internet to talk to their friends, and they feel safe doing so, then we need to think about some alternative ways to create safe environments for them to use their creativity, imagination and talent to continue to harness their energy to communicate with each other. Facebook is a start, but not enough. We may also think about ways that mentors, counselors, teachers, and other leaders in the community can help parents monitor and support our teenagers. The Internet is not going anywhere, and neither are our teenagers need for friends.....
There is some interesting data in a new study found in the Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal, Volume 27, April 2010 from Ohio State that was conducted by Dawn Anderson Butcher, Associate Professor of Social Work. Even though this study had a smaller sample of teens,they were all blogging on Zanga (a popular site before Facebook which is like micro blogging) used their blogs to nurture relationships with peers and not participate in risky behavior (like posting sexy pictures).
The teenagers in the study used their blogs to build a sense of community. Most of the blogs were creative, used poetry, lyrics and had a real sense of imagination to them. The authors of this study were amazed to see that these teenagers talked about homework, spending time with family, and even participating in school activities.
What becomes so interesting about this study is the implication that our teenagers are using the Internet to talk to their friends when they are home from school, and the authors of this study noted that 65% of the teens in this study talked about being bored, which is still better than acting out in risky behavior.
If so many teenagers are using the Internet to talk to their friends, and they feel safe doing so, then we need to think about some alternative ways to create safe environments for them to use their creativity, imagination and talent to continue to harness their energy to communicate with each other. Facebook is a start, but not enough. We may also think about ways that mentors, counselors, teachers, and other leaders in the community can help parents monitor and support our teenagers. The Internet is not going anywhere, and neither are our teenagers need for friends.....
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Social Networking Sites, Anything other than Facebook and Myspace for our children and tweens?
I have many parents who ask me what they should do with their children and tweens outside of television based sites or Myspace and Facebook.
"Dr. Hilary, My daughter is 10 going on 16. She loves playing on the computer. We have done everything right; we have software to protect her from viewing any inappropriate sites. However, she is so bored with Webkinz.com and similar sites like it. Do you have any recommendations? A friend of ours mentioned that she was thinking that it might not be the worst thing to have her 11 year old daughter join Myspace! Is that next? Thanks for your help."
Myspace at 11 years old! I sure hope not. Just because our children are 11 years old physically, does not mean they are 11 years old emotionally, socially or spiritually. We really need to make sure we are protecting our kids' childhood by giving them time to be just that, children. Allowing them to be exposed to things ahead of them being ready to understand or comprehend its meaning just adds to the anxiety, confusion and helplessness that children may feel while growing up.
Social networking for children can be divided into three categories. First, like the mother in the letter above mentioned, her daughter was participating in the early social networking/type sites that mostly involve paying some fee to play games with limited or no chatting amongst participants.
www.Webkinz.com, Disney's www.Clubpenguin.com, www.Whyville.com, are examples of sites that are linked to the purchase of a toy and have a virtual world with games that provide virtual money.
Disney XD is another type of limited social networking site however, they have added a broader chatting component for its' members. There is a "chatting open" or a "speed chat" which allows for a public or private option. Parent have control over whether the child participates in this feature. They have also added a feature that will allow members to create a page like Myspace, with parental control.
Most people skip to the third category, which is the popular Myspace and Facebook sites. Myspace has a minimum age requirement of 14 for it's members and Facebook , requires it's members to be 13 years of age. Parents do not have control over the member's profile, but the parent can create the profile with the teenager so that the profile can contain all of the security options the parent agrees with.
Before your child is ready for Myspace and Facebook however, there are some wonderful sites for the child and tween. Please check out the following sites as you may find one or more that possibly fits your child perfectly :
1. www.poptropica.com
I like this site as your child creates a character that moves from island to island all over the world and receives medals as they travel and accomplish things.
2. www.habbo.co.uk
This is the biggest hotel on earth, and after your child creates a room they meet other friends from all over the world and they play games from all over the world. There are some strict rules to participate in this virtual world, they do not allow cyberbulling.
3. www.moshimonstors.com
Adopt a monster, play games with it, create a blog about it, puzzles, all sorts of fun activities on this site.
4. www.stardoll.com
Adopt a doll, try clothes on, hairstyles, if you liked barbies than you will not believe this site!
5. www.neopets.com
Adopt a pet, enter your pet into contests, win money to buy food and clothes for your pet....maybe a good site if you child is bugging you for a puppy.
6. www.facechipz.com
A new site for games and some basic social networking.
7. www.kidzrocket.com
Basic social networking, games, created by educational team.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sexting; What's a Parent to Do?
I read and clip articles daily, I consult weekly on various cases, there seems to be no limit in situations of sexting these days. I cannot tell you how many legal cases are emerging from one picture being sent innocently from a girlfriend to a boyfriend.
Sexting is the act of sending explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones.
In a study conducted in 2008 by the National Campaign to Support Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy, Cosmogirl.com conducted a study of 1280 teenagers and found that 20% of girls were sexting. That was in 2008, the numbers are just rising daily.
Kids have a hard time understanding that decisions they make in a quick second can impact them for days, weeks, months, years, and sometimes a lifetime. This has a lot to do with the development of the brain, which doesn't finish growing until around 18 years of age. Unfortunately, one of the last parts of the brain to finish developing is the part of the brain that is in charge of decision making-executive functioning.
I like to think of our kids as cars with lousy brakes....we must make sure that they know when to slow down, when to go in to check on the brakes, etc.
Having a camera attached to a phone that can send a picture in a moment is a dangerous idea, without preparing our kids for the responsibility.
Here are some ideas on how to talk about Sexting:
1. Explain to your child that if they receive an explicit picture they should tell you immediately. They should shut their phone off. They should not show the picture to anyone else. Have some type of agreement that they will not get in trouble as long as they come to you...remember you are trying to keep the lines of communication open.
2. You need to take the memory card out of the phone if your child is sent an explicit picture. It is helpful to know who sent the picture, but it is best to take to remove the memory card. The reason that you must do this for your child is that if your child does not really erase the picture but says he/she does, they could be in serious legal trouble. You might be implicated as well. Also, if there is a more serious case later on, with other children involved, the police may approach you and you can always present them with the memory card which will show the last day the memory card saved information which will be the day it received the picture. I have worked with several cases in which this was very helpful. Also, make sure the picture was not saved on the house computer.
3. Help your child realize that nothing they do is private, between just one person to another. They have no control over who their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend may one day show the picture to. The same goes for sending aggressive words or statements. Sometimes a sibling or friend might take someones phone and that may lead to the spreading of a picture or private conversation.
4. Always be aware of who your child is communicating with and what they are communicating. You can either get a copy of the phone messages from your phone plan or ask to see your child's phone.I believe that your child deserves privacy, but I also believe that your child deserves to know you care enough to make sure they are safe.
5. Make your expectations very clear about sexting, communication, and usage of the cell phone for your child, tween and teen. Review these expectations frequently.
Can Parents Actually do Anything About Cyberbullying?
"Cyberbulling is defined as someone repeatedly harassing, mistreating, or making fun of another person online or while using a phone or other electronic devices." (Patchin &Hinduja, 2006)
She explained that her daughter had been expelled due to her involvement in a cyberbulling situation. This mother was shocked, her 16 year old daughter was a straight A student, she described her as a kind and caring friend and leader. She could not believe that her daughter would ever intentionally bully another person. Imagine her dismay when she was called into the school due to her daughter posting mean and hurtful messages online about two other students at the school.
I asked this mother if she recalled her daughter telling her about any bulling that she or her friends were experiencing. At first, she looked confused as to why I was asking her this question, but after a few seconds, she replied that she had in fact remembered that her daughter had been very hurt, actually crushed when a rumor was spread about her and her friends online a few months prior to the expulsion.
Her daughter had told her mom and dad that when she was voted as the winter dance queen a rumor was spread on Facebook that she had slept with various boys the night of the dance, and so had her friends. Her parents had actually hosted an after dance party for their daughter and friends so they knew this was a rumor. The situation had gone on for a few weeks, but the parents had never followed through with finding out anything more about the rumor. They figured it had just been a prank and because it wasn't true, no one would get hurt.
Obviously, the rumor did hurt a lot of people. In an attempt to punish the girls who spread the rumors, many more rumors were spread back and forth and before to long things got out of control.
According to current research conducted by the Cyberbulling Research Center in 2010, out of 4000 youth, ages 12 to 18, 20% say they experienced cyberbulling, and 20% admitted to cyberbulling others. Additionally, adolescent girls are significantly more likely to have experienced cyberbulling than boys. Girls tend to spread rumors and boys are more likely to post hurtful pictures or videos.
Tips for Parents:
1. Pay attention when you child talks to you about gossip, rumors, etc being spread online, texting, etc. even if it is about their friends and not them. Often times they feel helpless and think they must retaliate in order to look tough.
2. Help your child understand that there are adults that can help (even if they do not want to talk to you) like teachers, administrators, counselors, online support. Even if they have cyberbulled themselves, being honest goes a long way.
3. Your child deserves to feel safe online, let them know that they do not need to put up with feeling harassed or made fun of.
4. Do not get emotional when you child tells you things about cyberbulling or being online, you want them to keep coming back to you! Find your own resources, like drhilarybuff@me.com
Thursday, May 6, 2010
When should parents allow their child to join Facebook?
Almost daily, I have parents contact me with the question of when should they allow their children to join social networking sites. Yesterday I received an email with the following question:
" Hi Dr. Hilary, my 12 year old daughter has been bothering me every day to join Facebook. She has promised that she will only be 'friends' with people I already know. I am on Facebook so I am doubtful that she could get into too much trouble, am I in denial? Her older sister, who is 15 has explained to me that all of her friends have younger siblings that have joined Facebook, and I should just allow her sister to join. What should I do?"
I have a few concerns with this email. First, I think we are always showing our children the type of individuals we are and what we consider to be important by our actions and not just by what we say. While we may our children to 'like us', or to think that we are 'cool' it is far more important that we model the type of people we hope they will be when they grow up.
I like to remind myself daily, that I am raising future adults, not raising permanent children. So I better act like the type of adult I hope my children will aspire to be.
As for the question of whether this mother should lie about her daughters age to sign her up for Facebook. Absolutely not. We cannot expect to have concerns about adults lying to say they are younger than are when we allow our children with our permission to say they are older than they really are. Facebook need us and demands us to be honest and not falsely claim any information to get an account.
Additionally, there are a lot of decisions that need to be discussed before any child becomes a member of a social networking site. Please see 12/09 post for discussion questions on boundaries for social networking membership. This parent did not mention when her daughter will turn 13, but it seems that they could spend some time planning for when she turns 13 and be prepared for the both of them to be responsible when she actually becomes a member.
Lastly, just because the social networking sites provide a minimum age for membership does not mean that every child is ready for the responsiblity of joining a social networking site. Physical age does not mean a child has reached the emotional or social age that will allow them to fully understand or be prepared for exposure of a social networking site. Please see 9/09 post for discussion on social networking concerns.
I am a big fan of social networking sites, they offer some wonderful opportunities for communication skills, identity formation, and are particularly helpful for teens with learning differences. You can hear more on this during one of my speaking engagements. As parents, we just need to know, when, how much, where and who -when it comes to social networking sites and our kids!
FYI Disney launched DisneyXD, social networking site for kids under 14, will discuss next post.....stay tuned in....
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